Category Archives: submission

Onward We March

I expected to find a great many things in the act of submission. Liberation, connection, growth both personally and between us. I also knew that in submitting, I was not giving up any of my own personal power. Control? Yes. But not to the state of powerlessness. I never expected, though, to find so much empowerment in the act of submission. I never expected to be moved to the brink of tears by the simple act of being brought to my knees at her feet. I never expected the uncertainty to completely dissolve and be replaced in its entirety by joy and an all-encompassing feeling of being centered both within myself and in the Universe.

For someone who, for the longest time, was unsure if she even had the ability to submit, there sure is a very strong sense of belonging. Like this is where I should always have been. But only with her. This vulnerability, the character and depth of the connection.. I couldn’t imagine it being with anyone else. This is rare, and precious.

I think I had deliberately put the thought of kneeling out of my mind, after the coast. There had been a feeling inside me all along that there would be a finality to that act, and perhaps the time was not yet right for it – for that threshold to be irrevocably crossed, even if the gesture was welcomed. After all, more talks are to happen, soon enough, but time is still being given to honor the sheer enormity of these developments and the adjustments they require. I didn’t want thoughts of it to overtake me before it was time.

The opening of a new year, though, is a time for new beginnings and new journeys. This particular threshold has been crossed now, and as I had suspected, there is no going back from it even if I wanted to – but, I don’t. This belonging is a powerful creature. The path extending from this side of the threshold is long, winding up and out of sight beyond the horizon, and it is full of exciting mysteries – mysteries I’m eager to explore. I will walk – not run – with care and measure, but I will walk nonetheless, at her side. There is no direction in this adventure but forward. And so onward we march. Beyond fear, in love, joy and not a little curiosity. Onward we march. It is begun. And there is no end in sight.

Seeking

As of late, I feel as though I have been perpetually seeking. There is something just outside my grasp, almost outside of my line of sight but I know it’s there. And I want it.

One of those things is a Top. I crave surrender—of control, of myself. Particularly in the surrendering of the self, I crave someone into whose hands I can give myself in good faith and in complete trust. Succinctly put, I desire a Top who won’t fuck me up—not in the bad ways, anyway. I know so well how to handle myself, the ins and outs of managing someone like me, that it is so, so difficult to let someone else do the handling even for a little while, particularly because I have been not so well handled in the past. Maybe those people just didn’t care enough to learn, or maybe their desire in the first place was to mishandle. I couldn’t tell you. I can tell you, though, that those experiences make it verrrrry difficult to trust someone enough to give myself completely over again. I think perhaps also that people who could potentially fulfill the position of a Top in my life see that hesitation and either don’t want to deal with it, or think it a sign of lack of interest. It makes me wish I could more readily wear my heart on my sleeve, but.. well, if it’s on my sleeve, how in the hell do I protect it?

On the flip side, and in holding to switch form, I seek also a bottom who would kneel to me as I would kneel, in turn, to my Top. This is somewhat thrilling and scary for me, as I have never held a dominant position over anybody before. I do identify as a Top-heavy switch and sadist, and do most certainly contain a more dominant energy, but it has never been exercised on a person for more than the duration of a scene. But I want it. I want to go there with someone. Not only for the practical purposes that a service bottom would fulfill, but to experience that power dynamic and energy exchange. I want to feel the weight of someone’s trust upon my shoulders, and learn to bear it with pride, humility—yes, I believe those emotions can coexist—dignity and caring.

And, yes, it would be lovely not to have to do a lot of housework. And to tease them by denying them pleasure as I pleasure myself. And to rib them for not making the coffee perfectly, but still let them know that they have not lost my approval with a soft touch over their head and down their neck.. ending with a swat on the ass.

This thought just occurred to me: what if my Top were also my mentor in learning how to successfully navigate the dynamic between me and my bottom? I’m sure this idea isn’t new to the realm of D/s. But would it work for me and my dynamics? Could I find someone who is comfortable enough in their Top energy not only to top me but also to help me top another? The idea is exhilarating.

I honestly couldn’t tell you if I will ever encounter either of these dynamics in my world. I know that I am not an easy bottom and therefore not many Tops or Dominants would want to take on the extra work, so to speak. I also know that due to how reserved I tend to be around other people, it’s harder for me to make connections with others despite how much I may want to. I sure as hell haven’t yet gotten up the courage to tell a few of my Top crushes that they make my knees melt! So I guess we’ll see. I have gone this long as something of a “freelancer,” so of course I can continue doing so. But I will certainly keep my eyes open and, though she may be heavily guarded, my heart as well.


A Dominant

I never really thought I was that difficult a partner, when it comes to participating in a D/s dynamic. Or, I should specify: I didn’t think I was that difficult a submissive partner. Because—and this was a newsflash even to me—I can actually be submissive. I enjoy being submissive. But here’s the kicker:

I enjoy having that submission wrenched from me. What’s more, I will submit more readily to a Dominant who earns my submission.

Maybe that’s where I lose a lot of Dominants. So many that I have encountered seem to think that they, by their very existence, deserve my submission. That it should be handed to them on a silver platter while I kneel naked at their feet. They balk when I mouth off, or when I mention that I enjoy struggling and being brought down forcibly. They don’t want to put in the effort.

Of course, for many D/s couples, the submissive DOES readily give their submission and the Dominant does not have to forcibly take it. That works for them, and that is perfectly okay. However, it does not work for me. And maybe it’s not “truly submissive” of me to list what I want from a D/s relationship, but fuck that. Even the 100% TPE, no safeword, totally enslaved submissives are essentially getting what they want, otherwise they wouldn’t be where they are. Thus, away I go.

I want a Dominant who enjoys the fight, who enjoys the takedown, who enjoys struggling and coming out on top—mentally and physically. I want a Dominant who enjoys proving him/her/zirself, not necessarily repeatedly, but at least once, in that crucial moment where my submission swings like a pendulum in front of them—I want them to reach out with their powerful arms and snatch it into their possession instead of waiting for me to settle down in front of them.

I want a Dominant who laughs at my smart mouth and then continues doing what z/s/he wants to do, regardless of my protests, pleas or bitching. I want a Dominant who is secure enough to not feel threatened when I mouth off, and efficient enough to just stuff an old sock or some such in my mouth when he wants me to shut up, instead of wasting time with ineffectual arguments.

I want a Dominant who can outsmart, outfight, outwit and outmaneuver me—and frankly, none of that is easy. That’s not tooting my own horn; that’s the simple truth. I want a Dominant physically strong enough to pin me down with his/her/zir arms, and mentally compelling enough to stop me in my tracks with just a look. I want a Dominant confident enough to let me play with others, Top OR bottom, with or without looking on to “supervise.”

I want a Dominant who will enforce protocol upon me, but also be okay with laughing, joking and teasing when it is appropriate. I want a Dominant who will calmly and coldly punish me for my infractions without melting down like my stepping out of line was the harbinger of the apocalypse. I want a Dominant who is completely—or at least mostly—in control of him/her/zirself so that z/s/he can be more completely in control of me.

And most of all… I want a Dominant to dominate me because z/s/he wants to, because it pleases them, instead of controlling me because they fear or mistrust how I will act otherwise. And I want a Dominant to love me, not necessarily in a romantic relationship sense but at least in the way that Dominants love their submissives; I want him/her/zir to love me, not just love the control they have over another human being.

I know this post got wordy. But frankly, I don’t think I’m asking for that much. Somewhere out there is a Dominant, or are Dominants, who fill these parameters effortlessly. I only wish that someday I will find them. Before they are otherwise occupied!


Exploring Roles

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the opportunities available to me in such an expansive location. More area, more kinksters, more chances. My mind wanders to the connections I will make, the scenes in which I might participate, the roles I might fill. My mind stops there: roles.

Being switchy, I have the ability to fulfill a great number of roles. I can and do top, I can and do bottom and given the chance, I will gladly do both with the same person in the same scene. I enjoy being temporarily in control of someone and, conversely, temporarily being under someone else’s control. I enjoy inflicting pain and having it inflicted upon me. Even beyond the most basic trappings of BDSM—control, lack thereof and pain—I have been drawn to and enjoy all the various aspects of being a kinky person.

Well, almost all. There is one thing.

I do not submit. I willingly bottom with the people who bring out my urge to be restrained and in pain, but I have never felt the urge to fully submit—to give more than just my body over to anyone’s control.

This has also been on my mind a little bit more lately because my mother—also a kinkster, as many of you know—just went through a nasty breakup with the man who was her Master. My mom is a submissive, and was a collared slave to her now-ex. It’s been tough on her to go from being under 24/7 control to being under no one’s control but her own. It has made me think more about that concept—the concept of being under 24/7 control. And just how ill-suited I am for it.

Then on the other hand, it makes me wonder if I would be well-suited for domination. I know full well how much I enjoy tying someone up and beating on them, whispering things in their ear to fuck with their heads and bringing them to—or keeping them from—orgasm. But would I enjoy 24/7 control? Having someone’s life or lifestyle in my hands? I’m certainly a fan of being in control, and peers might even tell you I have a penchant for being bossy—don’t listen to them, heheh—but with that control comes a great amount of responsibility and a much larger margin for messing it up.

Despite my pessimism it’s something in which I’m growing ever more interested. I’m finding listings for munches and events in the area and I’m excited about attending them, meeting new people and finding these opportunities. I have a lot of discovery waiting ahead; I can’t wait to start.


Bottom Fear

Okay. Gonna get deep and rambly and probably not entirely comprehensible. Just a warning ahead of time. Proceed at risk of your own sanity!

I think the idea of honest-to-blog submission scares the living daylights out of me.

And to be frank, I’m not entirely sure why. It’s not the physical pain, although maybe that’s a part of it because I do tend to psych myself out before I give myself a mental bitch slap and tell myself to knock it the fuck off and quit being such a sissy. I think it has more to do with the vulnerability aspect of it all. Truly surrendering control to someone else. Letting them basically have their way with me. I mean, there are safewords and other ways of communicating if things DO end up going too far, but… well, to make a long ramble short I probably really am psyching myself out.

I’m not even sure why I’ve been thinking about it so much. I think because I’ve become IRL friends and online/Twitter-friends with so many Tops/Doms/sadists that the idea of me in a submissive role has been a little more front-and-center in my mind lately. Particularly because my role as a bottom at some point in the future has been all but sealed with one or two of the Tops I know IRL. And don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing nonconsensual about it… still, I worry. Apparently I’m more like my mother than I thought.

I should conclude this rather ridiculous post by saying that once I HAVE bottomed to one or the other (or both) of these Tops, I will probably be on here writing a giggly, relieved and entirely sheepish post about how AWESOME it was and how STUPID I was to worry.

Still…!


Slinking back in

Wow, I’ve been pretty AWOL, haven’t I? Terribly sorry. Feel free to spank me. ;-)

No, in all honesty, not much has been happening that would prompt me to post up until a couple days ago. A couple days ago, M’s prize from Shay’s S Spot contest, the Hottie from Eden Fantasys arrived.

Oohhhh my! I haven’t masturbated with the toy yet so I’m holding off on an official, thorough review, but being fucked with it gets at least four out of five stars. I absolutely adore it.

And yes, being fucked with it. Thaaaat was a very good night. Not only did I get fucked with a toy that is probably one of the best alternatives to real cock (for those who go for real cock), but M got a little toppy. And I. Loved. It.

It’s interesting for me to think back on when I said I didn’t think M topping me would work since our relationship wasn’t very switchy and she didn’t think she was very switchy. Both of those statements have proved to be very, very false! M can most definitely be switchy as evidenced by how toppy she got with me the night we played with the Hottie: pinning me down, verbally topping, even a bit of forced orgasm play. I was absolutely digging it, so apparently I can be topped by her!

Also interestingly, this switching up seems to have relieved a bit of tension in our relationship, and I think I understand why. Before, our relationship was pretty strictly Dom/sub. I was the Dominant, she was the submissive, and things got shaken up whenever she didn’t act submissive. Sometimes she could be put back into subspace; sometimes she couldn’t, and that led to pretty nasty arguments when it happened. But now things seem to click more easily in our relationship. Outside the bedroom we almost have a fairly vanilla seeming relationship, with equal levels of power exchange. Of course, both of us know that’s entirely not true. :-D

I certainly don’t get pissed off anymore if she acts a little toppy, which had definitely smoothed out our dynamic.

Oh, and I have also discovered something else about myself – in particular, my bottomy side – that doesn’t come as a surprise at all: I am one very smart-ass bottom. I don’t say smart-ass masochist (SAM) because I’m not a very hardcore masochist; I don’t say smart-ass sub because to me that implies some level of permanence in the position. But I am most definitely a smartass bottom. I am the perfect bottom for a Top who enjoys challenge and enjoys cooking up creative ways to shut up a bottom who won’t stop making snarky, sarcastic remarks and taunting the Top. I am the perfect bottom for a Top who enjoys struggle – a bit of a fight.

Luckily for me in my relationship with M, she is that kind of Top. It sure keeps things fun in the bedroom – even outside the bedroom to a certain extent, since we’re both pretty snarky and smartass.

This lightening of the mood overall is really quite enjoyable. The episodes of serious power struggle are pretty much over. We joke about it more often now, and play around with power struggle/exchange.

Anyhoo, stay tuned because if I don’t get too busy, a very nice HNT should be coming up this week, and probably following next weekend a full review of the Hottie should be out!


Service

There is a side of myself that I desperately need to explore. It is a side that so rarely comes out in the way that it should. My service side.

It’s fairly well-known (at least, I think) that I’m a switch and that in my relationship with M, I fill the dominant role, quite naturally; she brings out the Dom in me and for the most part, I bring out the sub in her – although lord knows she loves to push the limits! I should really talk to more Tops who Top Tops, and devise better strategies. ;)

(That is another post into itself. I believe M is switchier than she thinks.)

In any case, my submissive side in general is a side that has been explored very little. In fact, the most exploration it gets, besides inner contemplation, is talking to my mother (a sub) and reading subs’ blogs and a few forums on FetLife.

However, that’s what brings me to write this post: those damn forums on FetLife. They’ll getcha every time! I lurk on two forums: Service, and Domestic Servitude. Mostly for inspiration, really. Those women have some really excellent tips for running a household, lemme tellya. It’s when they get to the drive behind it all, the theoretical talk, that I start getting wistful.

I do take great satisfaction in keeping my own house functioning. Most of those women undoubtedly put me to shame with their houses, and I should really be more consistent in my cleaning/tidying, but when it gets done, man, do I love it. But is it the same? Is the satisfaction as great as when someone else acknowledges and appreciates? M, while not exactly service oriented (she’s really not domestic beyond her talent for cooking – my own untamed chef; she’s more handy), positively glows when she’s done something – from as simple as mowing the lawn to her current project, repainting the bathroom – and I voice my appreciation in the simplest form: “Good girl.”

I want that glow.

It can be tough to be a mostly monogamous switch. Especially one who hasn’t yet become majorly active in the scene. (Although that’s changing, starting Tuesday!) I’ll either find a way to explore it or find a way to live with it. Can’t be too hard, when I get to tie up and flog this:

Don’t you think?