Category Archives: Muggle life

These New Jeans

Size is such a funny concept. I haven’t focused on my weight as a number of importance in a long time, but clothing size isn’t something that can really be avoided – even if you make your own clothes, chances are you’re using a pattern and even those patterns have size guidelines. For better or for worse, my size has become part of my identity. I like to think it’s for better; I haven’t had a problem with my size in quite some time. In fact, one could say it’s become a point of pride, being a larger—yes, FAT—curvy woman with breasts, belly, hips and an ass that can’t be overlooked. But when that changes? The size, I mean. (Gods know the curves are still present.) It’s an odd thing to wrap my head around, now that the discovery has been made that My Number is not what it was for years—what I’ve been comfortable with for years.

Certainly I’m comfortable with these new jeans fitting better than my jeans have fit in a while. I’m really alright with not constantly hitching them up, and definitely celebrating the lack of saggy pant-seats! I’ll be frank with you, though: this new size that I bought last night is a size that I haven’t bought since high school. And I know that’s kind of the coveted “thing,” to fit into one’s old high school jeans, but for those of us not obsessed with being our younger, supposedly smaller selves, for those of us who are comfortable with our current size, it’s just strange. For me, it hearkens back to a time when I wasn’t as comfortable with myself, when I did dread going up any size at all. It hearkens back to a time when there was more self-loathing present in my life than self-love.

That’s where it changes, folks. I may be back in my old high school size, but I will not be slipping back into my old high school mentality along with these new jeans. These jeans will be worn with self-love, self-acceptance and self-confidence. I will continue to strut and sashay my way down the street, not revert back to scuttling along with my shoulders hunched, trying to shield myself from the prying eyes of unforgiving peers. I have come a long way since those days, and I intend to hold on to that growth, regardless of how my body shrinks—or expands, for that matter. Because expansion may very well happen again, and that’s okay. The most important discovery I have yet made—infinitely more important than the superficial discovery of a changed pants size—is that true comfort happens when we grow and/or continue to love ourselves, accept ourselves and treat ourselves well (which, by the way, includes indulging every so often) despite any changes that may occur. Our bodies are constantly in flux, but our love for ourselves and our desire to take care of these bodies we inhabit should never diminish. When we can acknowledge that we are beautiful and worthy creatures despite sizes, shapes or any other external factors, that becomes the most comfortable fit of all, and everything else is just the denim-clad cherry on the sundae.

Mmmm… ice cream.


Peregrination

Looks like this poor blog is on death’s doorstep again – whoops. Then again, being sick for most of February doesn’t exactly help matters.

My coherency isn’t in peak form tonight given that for the last three nights I have had the most bizarre, disturbing dreams that left me feeling more exhausted than when I went to bed, but I’m feeling the urge to write. I don’t really have a subject in mind–I just need to expectorate some words into this text box.

I’ve been doing a little bit of thinking about the reasons I originally started this blog. I wanted to examine and document my thought processes and journeys through the realms of gender, sexuality, BDSM and poly. Well, the poly is no more. I will not share the boi and don’t want the boi to share me. Period. Re: the gender and sexuality aspects, obviously I am still a queer femme, but I feel like I have that figured out. Yes I am always evolving and yes I am very fluid but, well… I am what I am and that’s all that I am.

I suppose the BDSM aspect is still alive. I have become active with a self-identified-women-only BDSM group here in Portland and I love it. They are a wonderful group of people and I have felt like I belonged since day one. I get out to their munches and discussion groups for social hour, and even a little bit of play occasionally, although really that’s just another social aspect for me. Yes, I am very social with my floggers in hand – ha!

That’s something else I’ve come to realize about myself: that kink play is not in the least bit sexual for me. And thinking back on it, it really never has been. Playing does not sexually arouse me–it fulfills something else, I guess you could say. A desire for connection, perhaps? The catharsis that inflicting pain or having pain inflicted on me brings? I can tell you one thing for sure: I am really getting the hang of Florentine flogging, and I feel like a fucking goddess on Earth when I get my twin floggers going perfectly to the beat of some badass music, feeling the impact reverberating from the handles up into my arms and shoulders. It’s magical. But sexual? Not so much. And at the end of the day, y’know what I really want to do? I just want to go home, to my boi (we’re speaking hypothetically since the boi and I are still separated by many miles and hours), and be nothing but myself. Not a Top or a switch or anything else that comes with labels and titles and expectations–just me.

Speaking non-hypothetically, though… I cannot begin to tell you how much I am looking forward to the day when I really can go home to her.


A Confession

Today will go down in Tomboy Femme history as an auspicious event. Today, for the first time in years, I visited a gym.

Okay, so it was only my apartment complex’s gym, with two treadmills, two ellipticals, a recumbent bike, free weights and one of those multi-use machine thingies—to use the scientific term, obviously—crammed into a space about the size of my living room.

But who cares? It was a gym, and my ass got up on that elliptical and sweated bullets—slugs, really—for twenty minutes straight. Yeah, it was no marathon but I was moving, I was sweating, I was breathing deep and I was… feeling good.

Don’t tell anyone I said that. I have a reputation to maintain.

I really did surprise myself. I expected to be able to tolerate it, but I was definitely not expecting the word “enjoy” to enter my head at any time relating to this event. But once my muscles got loosened up and my breath was flowing nice ‘n’ easy in my lungs, the likes of Jet and Saliva blaring in my ears, I actually kinda liked what I was doing.

I guess that’s a good thing, since that probably means I’ll actually, ya know, go back.

So here’s to getting (and staying) healthy, and not hating the process in the meantime.

*clink*


Revamping the Blog

I’ve been kicking around a new idea lately. When I started this blog, it was going to be all about my sex life, my sexuality, kink, gender musings, yadda yadda etc. A little bit later, it also started including reviews as I broke into that “business.” (I quote that because I don’t actually get paid for it, unlike those who can truly call it their business.) Thennnnn life starting going down the hellhole, and this blog fell by the wayside. I have tried a few times to pick it back up since then, but the fact of the matter is that I still don’t have a hell of a lot to blog about sex- and kink-wise. Well, I guess I could probably come up with some kink topics if I would actually write down some of the idle thoughts that are in my head, but I digress.

So I’m thinking of expanding the premises of this blog a bit. Expanding to include the more mundane things. Everyday life. Not so much a “Dear-Diary-Here-Is-What-I-Ate-Today” kind of thing, just… the musings and whatnot that don’t necessarily have to do with sex, kink, sexuality or gender. Because believe it or not, I do actually have a mundane life. ;) (Imagine that last sentence spoken in the driest, most wry tone possible. Then you have an idea where I’m coming from with it.)

I think it could work. I think maybe if I don’t feel restricted to certain topics on this blog, I will write more often. Here’s hoping, anyway.