Category Archives: life in general

These New Jeans

Size is such a funny concept. I haven’t focused on my weight as a number of importance in a long time, but clothing size isn’t something that can really be avoided – even if you make your own clothes, chances are you’re using a pattern and even those patterns have size guidelines. For better or for worse, my size has become part of my identity. I like to think it’s for better; I haven’t had a problem with my size in quite some time. In fact, one could say it’s become a point of pride, being a larger—yes, FAT—curvy woman with breasts, belly, hips and an ass that can’t be overlooked. But when that changes? The size, I mean. (Gods know the curves are still present.) It’s an odd thing to wrap my head around, now that the discovery has been made that My Number is not what it was for years—what I’ve been comfortable with for years.

Certainly I’m comfortable with these new jeans fitting better than my jeans have fit in a while. I’m really alright with not constantly hitching them up, and definitely celebrating the lack of saggy pant-seats! I’ll be frank with you, though: this new size that I bought last night is a size that I haven’t bought since high school. And I know that’s kind of the coveted “thing,” to fit into one’s old high school jeans, but for those of us not obsessed with being our younger, supposedly smaller selves, for those of us who are comfortable with our current size, it’s just strange. For me, it hearkens back to a time when I wasn’t as comfortable with myself, when I did dread going up any size at all. It hearkens back to a time when there was more self-loathing present in my life than self-love.

That’s where it changes, folks. I may be back in my old high school size, but I will not be slipping back into my old high school mentality along with these new jeans. These jeans will be worn with self-love, self-acceptance and self-confidence. I will continue to strut and sashay my way down the street, not revert back to scuttling along with my shoulders hunched, trying to shield myself from the prying eyes of unforgiving peers. I have come a long way since those days, and I intend to hold on to that growth, regardless of how my body shrinks—or expands, for that matter. Because expansion may very well happen again, and that’s okay. The most important discovery I have yet made—infinitely more important than the superficial discovery of a changed pants size—is that true comfort happens when we grow and/or continue to love ourselves, accept ourselves and treat ourselves well (which, by the way, includes indulging every so often) despite any changes that may occur. Our bodies are constantly in flux, but our love for ourselves and our desire to take care of these bodies we inhabit should never diminish. When we can acknowledge that we are beautiful and worthy creatures despite sizes, shapes or any other external factors, that becomes the most comfortable fit of all, and everything else is just the denim-clad cherry on the sundae.

Mmmm… ice cream.


Potential

Maybe it’s the season – although spring feels miles away from Portland, what with it currently being 43F, cloudy, windy and intermittently rainy – but I am feeling some serious potential in the air. I can taste it: savory, with a subtly sweet aftertaste. I am itching to overhaul my wardrobe, to experiment with new makeup looks – which is amazing enough in itself because although I love makeup, I wear it only occasionally and usually only when I’m dressing up. I’m itching to meet new people, to talk with and befriend them.. and, yes, flirt with them!

It’s almost May, meaning that in a few short weeks, my oldest and closest friend Niki will be visiting, which promises to be an adventure of epic proportions. Not to mention a precursor to the fabulosity that is virtually guaranteed when she actually moves up here and we return to living in the same city!

I started back up with bellydancing classes not long ago and have already jumped back into the performance arena – or rather, fell into it since the opportunities just kept leaping at me! I performed for a Bad Girls charity event benefiting Portland’s Q Center (a local GLBTQ community informational resource and all-around haven) just a few weeks ago, and this weekend I will not only be performing with my class at a bellydance showcase but will also be soloing at a fetish party featuring the derriere. Performing also means I have gotten back into costume making, a hobby I had forgotten is as as fulfilling as it is. I’m even gingerly attempting a few simple maneuvers with a sewing machine! I’m not entirely convinced that sewing machines are the greatest creation since sliced bread – in fact I believe they’ll be the primary instigators in the Great Robot Uprising – but I actually used one with some measure of success, so I’m pretty happy about that.

Oh, and I have a few reviews I need to get out. You’d think it’d be a little easier than it is what with the fact that I adore erotica, porn and sex toys buuuuut, well, c’est la vie.

Hope y’all are doing fabulously, my chitlings.


Peregrination

Looks like this poor blog is on death’s doorstep again – whoops. Then again, being sick for most of February doesn’t exactly help matters.

My coherency isn’t in peak form tonight given that for the last three nights I have had the most bizarre, disturbing dreams that left me feeling more exhausted than when I went to bed, but I’m feeling the urge to write. I don’t really have a subject in mind–I just need to expectorate some words into this text box.

I’ve been doing a little bit of thinking about the reasons I originally started this blog. I wanted to examine and document my thought processes and journeys through the realms of gender, sexuality, BDSM and poly. Well, the poly is no more. I will not share the boi and don’t want the boi to share me. Period. Re: the gender and sexuality aspects, obviously I am still a queer femme, but I feel like I have that figured out. Yes I am always evolving and yes I am very fluid but, well… I am what I am and that’s all that I am.

I suppose the BDSM aspect is still alive. I have become active with a self-identified-women-only BDSM group here in Portland and I love it. They are a wonderful group of people and I have felt like I belonged since day one. I get out to their munches and discussion groups for social hour, and even a little bit of play occasionally, although really that’s just another social aspect for me. Yes, I am very social with my floggers in hand – ha!

That’s something else I’ve come to realize about myself: that kink play is not in the least bit sexual for me. And thinking back on it, it really never has been. Playing does not sexually arouse me–it fulfills something else, I guess you could say. A desire for connection, perhaps? The catharsis that inflicting pain or having pain inflicted on me brings? I can tell you one thing for sure: I am really getting the hang of Florentine flogging, and I feel like a fucking goddess on Earth when I get my twin floggers going perfectly to the beat of some badass music, feeling the impact reverberating from the handles up into my arms and shoulders. It’s magical. But sexual? Not so much. And at the end of the day, y’know what I really want to do? I just want to go home, to my boi (we’re speaking hypothetically since the boi and I are still separated by many miles and hours), and be nothing but myself. Not a Top or a switch or anything else that comes with labels and titles and expectations–just me.

Speaking non-hypothetically, though… I cannot begin to tell you how much I am looking forward to the day when I really can go home to her.


2011: Bring It

Happy New Year, everyone.

So here’s the thing. I don’t generally do a lot of looking back – on anything. I’m the type of person who lives for the future, who lives for what’s coming instead of spending a lot of time reminiscing on what’s already happened. On that note, this post will not be dedicated to reflecting on what happened to me in 2010. It will be dedicated to the things I want to happen—and a few things I know will happen—in 2011.

Are they resolutions? Nah. I’m not a resolution kinda gal. Resolutions don’t hold any power for me. But goals—now there’s a thing with strength. So these are my goals for the next 525,600 minutes, the next 365 days, the next 12 months… the next year, which promises to blow 2010 right out of the water.

  • I will meet my boi. This was supposed to happen in 2010—right now, in fact—but life has that funny way of not working out the way you think it should. Nonetheless, 2011 will not stop me from finally being with her.
  • I will finally get to hang out with my BFF again! After several years of being separated by distance, my girl Niki will be graduating nursing school this year and (hopefully) promptly moving up to my neck of the woods to start her career. She is my oldest friend, having been in my life for the past decade-plus, and having her physically back in my life is something I am looking forward to more than I can verbally express.
  • I will bring music back into my life in a physical sense. I have played the piano for most of my life and lately have been missing that creative and emotional outlet very sorely. (When I moved out of my parents’ house, I had to leave my piano behind because I had no room for it.) So for 2011, I fully intend to bring back that outlet in the form of acquiring a piano—probably digital—so I can begin playing again.
  • I want to really establish a solid network of friends and acquaintances here in Portland. I’ve laid the foundation for that in the past couple of months, so in the next year I want to really build on it so I won’t be spending so many evenings at home with nothing to do. It’s downright pathetic, wanting to go out dancing or just chilling over drinks in a bar, but not having anyone to call. Or having such a limited number of people to call that if they’re all busy, I’m screwed. In 2011… no more of that!
  • I will continue to improve my skills in photography and photo editing, hopefully with the additions of a Big Girl Camera and Photoshop in the next year. Photography has not been in my life as long as music has been, but it is quickly becoming another expressive outlet that I use when words are not enough, or when there are no words at all. On top of that, Niki and I (and the boi, since she was sweet enough to ask to be a part of it) will be starting our own daily photo project called Photosaurus Rex, which will chronicle our lives in the coming year(s) as seen through our eyes and viewfinders.

And really, that’s about it. It doesn’t seem like much but between fulfilling these goals and just living life in general, I think I will have my hands full. And really, when a girl has love, good friends and a full life to share with them, what else can she possibly ask for?

Here’s hoping, my friends, that 2011 turns out to be a great year for us all. I know many of us went through some dark times in the past year, so let’s hope that it can only get better from here!


Revamping the Blog

I’ve been kicking around a new idea lately. When I started this blog, it was going to be all about my sex life, my sexuality, kink, gender musings, yadda yadda etc. A little bit later, it also started including reviews as I broke into that “business.” (I quote that because I don’t actually get paid for it, unlike those who can truly call it their business.) Thennnnn life starting going down the hellhole, and this blog fell by the wayside. I have tried a few times to pick it back up since then, but the fact of the matter is that I still don’t have a hell of a lot to blog about sex- and kink-wise. Well, I guess I could probably come up with some kink topics if I would actually write down some of the idle thoughts that are in my head, but I digress.

So I’m thinking of expanding the premises of this blog a bit. Expanding to include the more mundane things. Everyday life. Not so much a “Dear-Diary-Here-Is-What-I-Ate-Today” kind of thing, just… the musings and whatnot that don’t necessarily have to do with sex, kink, sexuality or gender. Because believe it or not, I do actually have a mundane life. ;) (Imagine that last sentence spoken in the driest, most wry tone possible. Then you have an idea where I’m coming from with it.)

I think it could work. I think maybe if I don’t feel restricted to certain topics on this blog, I will write more often. Here’s hoping, anyway.


What’s Happenin’ Cap’n

Well geez. I leave a blog alone for a month and what happens? A lot, apparently.

Since my last non-review post I quit the migraine-inducing job and, after enjoying 2 or 3 weeks of funemployment, have been searching for a job that I can actually enjoy while making a bit of money. The latest two I just interviewed for literally yesterday were an animal hospital (for a receptionist position) and a chiropractic clinic (note taker and general admin duties). The animal hospital was actually a second, working interview, but the chiropractic office was the first interview. And honestly, I’m kind of leaning towards the chiropractic job. There are several reasons for that, but it really all boils down to better atmosphere. So I’m really hoping I get called back for that one. Although really at this point, either one would work, because I can’t be unemployed forever.

In other news, I just finished the Beauty trilogy by Anne Rice writing as A.N. Roquelaure, and they were quite enjoyable. A review on the entire trilogy will be going up soon, as soon as I hammer it out. Next, in keeping with the tradition of BDSM series, I will be taking on Laura Antoniou’s Marketplace series, which I have been told will likely be very enlightening as well as an extremely good read. I’m inclined to agree, as I snuck in the first chapter before I handed them off to my mother for reading, and was pretty much instantly captivated. I also have a women’s erotica anthology lined up to read and review, so apparently I have my reading cut out for me. Oh gee darn.

I’ve also been forcing myself to get out more in a social AND kinky aspect lately, too. Munches, a few other get togethers with other pervs… just getting out there and not just sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. And hey, whaddaya know.. it’s been fun! There are still a few people who remind me why I went all reclusive in the first place, but for the most part people are engaging, entertaining and all-around enjoyable. So more of that is happening this week, including a meetup with Shanna/EssinEm while she is here in town teaching a relationship mapping class at the company she works for, Fascinations. I’m super excited about that, and just happy in general about not holing myself up in my apartment anymore.

Hm… so yeah! That’s pretty much what’s going on lately. Life, at the moment, is not too bad if I do say so myself. And I do.


Seeking

Em and I moved to Portland for a lot of reasons. We’ve always been in search of more agreeable weather, both of us being fans of cool, cloudy, rainy, windy, stormy over hot and dry. We were in search of green not bleached by too many hours, days, years in the sun. We were in search of bigger and better opportunities.

Well, those opportunities sure found us when Em was laid off from his job in southern Oregon and applied on a whim to an animal hospital in the Portland area—one of the top animal hospitals in the nation. He sensed, despite my reluctance, a budding chance to move to Portland far sooner than we had anticipated. And, as you all know well by now, he got it. They loved him. And so… we moved.

And now I have a job, the one and only job I applied for—apparently a pattern in this household. We found a great apartment in a great complex in a great area. Everything has pretty much fallen into place like well-oiled tumblers.

So now what?

Well, what is a kinkster’s life without a little bit of kink, and the community that comes with it? That’s where the next step lies. Finding community, finding comrades, finding connections. Luckily, there appears to be a very expansive scene up here. I’m excited about becoming a part of it: making new friends, maybe making some of those friends into play partners, maybe exploring and discovering new kinks.

Maybe Portland holds more than one kind of opportunity. I’m surely hoping so. And with the way Portland has worked out for us so far, I kinda think my hopes aren’t too far-fetched!