As of late, I feel as though I have been perpetually seeking. There is something just outside my grasp, almost outside of my line of sight but I know it’s there. And I want it.

One of those things is a Top. I crave surrender—of control, of myself. Particularly in the surrendering of the self, I crave someone into whose hands I can give myself in good faith and in complete trust. Succinctly put, I desire a Top who won’t fuck me up—not in the bad ways, anyway. I know so well how to handle myself, the ins and outs of managing someone like me, that it is so, so difficult to let someone else do the handling even for a little while, particularly because I have been not so well handled in the past. Maybe those people just didn’t care enough to learn, or maybe their desire in the first place was to mishandle. I couldn’t tell you. I can tell you, though, that those experiences make it verrrrry difficult to trust someone enough to give myself completely over again. I think perhaps also that people who could potentially fulfill the position of a Top in my life see that hesitation and either don’t want to deal with it, or think it a sign of lack of interest. It makes me wish I could more readily wear my heart on my sleeve, but.. well, if it’s on my sleeve, how in the hell do I protect it?

On the flip side, and in holding to switch form, I seek also a bottom who would kneel to me as I would kneel, in turn, to my Top. This is somewhat thrilling and scary for me, as I have never held a dominant position over anybody before. I do identify as a Top-heavy switch and sadist, and do most certainly contain a more dominant energy, but it has never been exercised on a person for more than the duration of a scene. But I want it. I want to go there with someone. Not only for the practical purposes that a service bottom would fulfill, but to experience that power dynamic and energy exchange. I want to feel the weight of someone’s trust upon my shoulders, and learn to bear it with pride, humility—yes, I believe those emotions can coexist—dignity and caring.

And, yes, it would be lovely not to have to do a lot of housework. And to tease them by denying them pleasure as I pleasure myself. And to rib them for not making the coffee perfectly, but still let them know that they have not lost my approval with a soft touch over their head and down their neck.. ending with a swat on the ass.

This thought just occurred to me: what if my Top were also my mentor in learning how to successfully navigate the dynamic between me and my bottom? I’m sure this idea isn’t new to the realm of D/s. But would it work for me and my dynamics? Could I find someone who is comfortable enough in their Top energy not only to top me but also to help me top another? The idea is exhilarating.

I honestly couldn’t tell you if I will ever encounter either of these dynamics in my world. I know that I am not an easy bottom and therefore not many Tops or Dominants would want to take on the extra work, so to speak. I also know that due to how reserved I tend to be around other people, it’s harder for me to make connections with others despite how much I may want to. I sure as hell haven’t yet gotten up the courage to tell a few of my Top crushes that they make my knees melt! So I guess we’ll see. I have gone this long as something of a “freelancer,” so of course I can continue doing so. But I will certainly keep my eyes open and, though she may be heavily guarded, my heart as well.


One response to “Seeking

  • disappointinglesbians

    I really can’t believe I haven’t come across your blog sooner. I love how you describe such complex, unique dynamics in honest yet elegant terms. Here’s hoping you find all the things you’re looking for!


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