Well, I’m only about a tenth of the way through the multitude of blog posts that have collected in my reader over the past couple of days, but something I read triggered some thoughts so I might as well let them flow.
What I read was this: “We have to open [our hearts] in order to love.”
My knee-jerk response was, “But I don’t want love.”
I daresay that surprised me a little bit. Mind you, I’m not the type of person who needs a relationship in order to feel whole, but I’d always thought that, like most people, I want love; I want a deep, committed, long-term relationship with a person about whom I am crazy and who is crazy about me. Apparently I thought wrong, or perhaps my mind is just completely turned off of the idea of a relationship right now. That’s very possible.
So I’m sitting here, thinking about what it is that I want right now. Sex: YES PLEASE. (Did I even have to say that? I mean really?) Companionship: yes, but not the kind that comes with high expectations or high amounts of maintenance. The one thing that keeps going through my mind lately is how relieving it is being responsible for no one but myself. Maybe that’s selfish, but honestly it might amaze you to know just how few fucks I give about that. It is a huge weight off my shoulders to not have to worry about anyone else and what they might be thinking/feeling about me, or why they’re not calling/texting or anything like that. If my phone buzzes, my heart doesn’t skip a beat and I don’t practically fall all over myself trying to get to my phone because OMG finally they’re contacting me! Having stability again is a truly wonderful thing.
I know it’s possible to have stability actually IN a relationship but right now I am just enjoying having no complications in my life whatsoever. Granted, I’m really ridiculously horny, but then, what with my last two relationships being long distance, that’s not exactly a huge change in my life. Right now I am just enjoying being surrounded by excellent friends who don’t yank me around like a puppet on a string… and when some good sex comes along, well, I won’t be complainin’.