A Dead End

I’m giving you warning now. This is going to be a slightly whiny post. Yeah, I know I just need to “suck it up, buttercup” but in the meantime I’m going to vent about it. If you don’t want to hear it, scroll past or close out. Consider yourself warned.

I moved to Portland for the opportunities—kink opportunities among them. Obviously the kink community up here was going to be much more vast than the tiny little group in southern Oregon and I figured I’d be awash in people to beat on, people to have beat on me and just people with whom to be friends in general.

Why is it, then, that I am pretty much more isolated up here than I was in southern Oregon? Why is it that, despite going to numerous different munches, a couple of workshops and meeting scores of people, I still have not once yet played? I haven’t been shy; I’ve expressed willingness. I haven’t been quiet about it.

And yet, no one seems interested. Are they intimidated? But why would they be? Are they just not sure how to approach me since I don’t identify solidly with any one role? My mother (who, yes, is also kinky and no, that’s not as weird as it seems) has been playing practically since day one with several different play partners but then, she’s a solidly identified bottom/submissive and as such has almost never had issues finding partners.

At this point, I am beyond frustrated and discouraged. I’ve even toyed with the idea of deleting my FetLife profile and giving up entirely. How is it worth it constantly putting myself out there when no one seems to notice or care? How long does it take to be noticed or known well enough? I mean, as far as I know I look okay, smell okay and don’t put off “creeper” vibes, so what the fuck is the deal here?

Or should I even give a shit anymore?


4 responses to “A Dead End

  • Scarlet

    I do think there’s a point where being a switch can be a hindrance like you mentioned, maybe purposefully seeking out other switches, or especially other queer switches would help? I’m sure there are plenty of people there feeling the same way you are, but it’s a matter of finding them. It may just take befriending the right person to get into the right group.

    I say don’t give up hope! Things will open up to you if you keep putting yourself out there.

  • jayndoh

    I wish I had a better answer but there’s what popped into my head: maybe they are intimidated in some way because you dont fit into a perfect role.

    I dont really know why people just sometimes don’t warm up and accept a new person.

    But I wouldn’t give up yet, it’s something you really enjoy doing.

  • Polly Vincere

    Ok – so I’m not so much into the kink scene.
    But I totally identify with you on this. Why? Because I don’t neatly fit into any boxes either. When I meet people (female or male) and then they find out that I’m queer…it’s like they don’t know what to do with me. The thing is: they don’t HAVE to DO anything with me.
    I get the impression the scene you are describing is much like the dating scene is for me.
    I think it really does make most people uncomfortable when they encounter someone they can’t put into a box. Sure, in your case you check “kinky”, but the fact that you don’t check “top” or “bottom” may make other people go “Huh?”
    Just stay true to yourself – the only people worth having in your life are those who accept you for YOU – not for the boxes you may or may not check.

  • sweetspiced

    Because they don’t know how lucky they are? Seriously you’re sexy and fun – how could they not want you? But I do agree – a lot of people don’t know what to do with someone “outside” – and sadly the kink community is no different. I’ve seen places post in their rules that a switch MUST identify prior to entering, what role they’ll play. But hell, how do you know before you’re inside meeting people?

    There needs to be a club just for switches. That’s what I think. Because seriously, you should not be without play partners of your choosing!

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