I should be writing for Kyle’s contest, but I am not in the mood to be writing anything sexy. This is what I AM in the mood to write.
Em says I’m too hard on myself. This is after I called myself a “domineering bitch.” Because really, I think that sometimes I am. I think that I am very good at being passive-aggressive and using my talent with words to manipulate my surroundings into the way I want them.
And most of the time Em is so good about just sighing, saying, “Yes dear,” and going along with it that his quiet resignation only makes me feel worse. I feel like I’ve beaten him down or grabbed him by the neck in order to arrange things to my liking. He says I don’t force him to do anything. Sometimes I feel like I do. Sometimes I feel like I don’t give him any other option than to go along with me, otherwise I’d make his life hell. And then I get angry and accuse him of playing the martyr instead of standing up and NOT just going along with it.
What kind of girlfriend is that? Jesus.
And on another note, so what if I’m too hard on myself? Is that now how we improve as people? Do we not need to critique ourselves, to recognize these less than favorable characteristics as flaws that need to be buffed away? If I weren’t hard on myself how would I ever progress past these things?
Em says he likes me the way I am. Sometimes I really don’t like me the way I am. Sometimes I really don’t like that I’m passive-aggressive, cold, impatient, demanding and yeah, a little manipulative. Sometimes I don’t understand how others can like me when these characteristics lie within me. At times like this all I see are these flaws. They are so glaring from my own perspective, like a hideously deformed, fanged elephant in the kitchen. I only wish I had ammunition powerful enough to take it out.