In Which I Reveal the Truth

I should be writing for Kyle’s contest, but I am not in the mood to be writing anything sexy. This is what I AM in the mood to write.

Em says I’m too hard on myself. This is after I called myself a “domineering bitch.” Because really, I think that sometimes I am. I think that I am very good at being passive-aggressive and using my talent with words to manipulate my surroundings into the way I want them.

And most of the time Em is so good about just sighing, saying, “Yes dear,” and going along with it that his quiet resignation only makes me feel worse. I feel like I’ve beaten him down or grabbed him by the neck in order to arrange things to my liking. He says I don’t force him to do anything. Sometimes I feel like I do. Sometimes I feel like I don’t give him any other option than to go along with me, otherwise I’d make his life hell. And then I get angry and accuse him of playing the martyr instead of standing up and NOT just going along with it.

What kind of girlfriend is that? Jesus.

And on another note, so what if I’m too hard on myself? Is that now how we improve as people? Do we not need to critique ourselves, to recognize these less than favorable characteristics as flaws that need to be buffed away? If I weren’t hard on myself how would I ever progress past these things?

Em says he likes me the way I am. Sometimes I really don’t like me the way I am. Sometimes I really don’t like that I’m passive-aggressive, cold, impatient, demanding and yeah, a little manipulative. Sometimes I don’t understand how others can like me when these characteristics lie within me. At times like this all I see are these flaws. They are so glaring from my own perspective, like a hideously deformed, fanged elephant in the kitchen. I only wish I had ammunition powerful enough to take it out.

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4 responses to “In Which I Reveal the Truth

  • FemmeFairyGodmother

    Know what? People love you because you are not the sum of your faults. You obviously have a number of things about you that are loveable and fabulous. I’m not saying to ignore the things you think you need to do better, but maybe spend *more* time focusing on what you already do well. You’ll be a happier woman and Em will be a happier man. It is my experience that when I don’t focus on my shortcomings that they pop up less frequently too.

  • kyle

    oh, sweety. You are hard on yourself, yes, because you expect a lot. You are going to be your own harshest critic, every time. But you aren’t nearly as bad as you think you are. In fact, you’re really quite wonderful.

    You know, maybe Em says ‘yes, dear’ because he’d love to talk you out of your harsh self-critique but maybe he’s tried that before and well, you’re very stubborn, hon. If you’re like me, and I know in some ways you are, you have to find your own way out of whatever judgment you’ve passed on yourself. I think Em knows that and he just wants you to know that he’s there for you. He loves you and he knows you. He loves all of you, even the parts you aren’t fond of. And maybe that’s not quiet resignation, maybe he just knows he needs to be patient and steady and wait for you to come to peace with yourself.

    (*Em, I know I’m going out on a limb here but I’m just speaking from my own experience, not just with Amber, but with others in my life. Feel free to let me know if I’m full of it ;-) )

  • sxychikadee

    Your ability to recognize your potential flaws is a commendable attribute. Most of us go through life acting in ways we see having not the best results, but still fail to accept and recognize it is our own selves behind such behaviors. Most of us want to blame other people for the way we react, instead of owning our own actions.

    I have always been told I am too hard on myself. I do hold myself to a higher standard than I hold anyone else in the world. Recently I’ve started to realize that by being so critical of myself, I am actually just assuming that others will disappoint me. (So I have to strive for “perfection.”) For me, it’s a self-preservation tactic that actually harms me.

    Just some thoughts. Hope they help and you are feeling better. xoxo

  • saintchick

    I am passive agressive to say the least. I have been called out on it, very recently. I am extremely hard on myself and will take blame for things that cannot possibly be my fault. Then on the other hand will totally manipulate something to my liking. Sometimes realizing that I am doing it, others not so much. I have started to like myself a little more, and letting my guard down has helped. I think mine has allot to due with trying to make everyone happy which is never gonna be right. So as with everything else, its all about learning and growing. It doesn’t always feel so good, but its worth it in the end! (at least thats what I keep telling myself)

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