So, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about just how genderqueer I am. I’ve claimed the title for some time now but don’t know how much of the actual embodiment I’ve been doing. I’ve been a tried-and-true tomboy for so long now (read: all my life) that I’ve been doing a lot of embracing of the femme side of me, as if trying to balance out all that time spent as a tomboy without the “femme” part attached.
Unsurprisingly, M’s progress in transitioning from female to his rightful male self has brought a lot of this masculine business to the front of my mind. I’ve been wanting to play more with the side of me that isn’t infatuated with high heels and makeup and the lush curves of my body. I even toyed with the idea of what male name I would adopt if I ever adopted a fully male persona. (Not that me adopting a fully male persona would ever happen; it’s just one of those “what if” kind of random thoughts.) I’ve been wearing less makeup, having been overwhelmed with a fairly “meh” attitude at the prospect of putting on more than the essentials that make me NOT look like a dead person in the morning.
I suppose the time has come when the NRE between myself and my femme-ininity has faded from a bright radiance to more of a soft glow. The wild, unhindered exploration of my girlier side has been more or less fulfilled and now the other side of me that has sadly been somewhat neglected is starting to wave its arms wildly and shriek, “Hey, what about ME?!”
Thus, I feel, is the life of a person who is attempting to combine within him/her/zirself and achieve balance between the two most basic gender identities orbiting in the gender galaxy.
So, I imagine a new phase of my self-exploration has begun. Not so much a phase of exploring my tomboy-ness, for it is as I said before: I’ve been a tomboy for most of my life, so that aspect of myself has been thoroughly explored. Now the phase has arrived in which I explore how best to meld these two aspects into something that wholly encompasses me, something that conforms and fits like a well-tailored jacket.
It’s bound to be an interesting ride!