Okay. Gonna get deep and rambly and probably not entirely comprehensible. Just a warning ahead of time. Proceed at risk of your own sanity!
I think the idea of honest-to-blog submission scares the living daylights out of me.
And to be frank, I’m not entirely sure why. It’s not the physical pain, although maybe that’s a part of it because I do tend to psych myself out before I give myself a mental bitch slap and tell myself to knock it the fuck off and quit being such a sissy. I think it has more to do with the vulnerability aspect of it all. Truly surrendering control to someone else. Letting them basically have their way with me. I mean, there are safewords and other ways of communicating if things DO end up going too far, but… well, to make a long ramble short I probably really am psyching myself out.
I’m not even sure why I’ve been thinking about it so much. I think because I’ve become IRL friends and online/Twitter-friends with so many Tops/Doms/sadists that the idea of me in a submissive role has been a little more front-and-center in my mind lately. Particularly because my role as a bottom at some point in the future has been all but sealed with one or two of the Tops I know IRL. And don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing nonconsensual about it… still, I worry. Apparently I’m more like my mother than I thought.
I should conclude this rather ridiculous post by saying that once I HAVE bottomed to one or the other (or both) of these Tops, I will probably be on here writing a giggly, relieved and entirely sheepish post about how AWESOME it was and how STUPID I was to worry.