Lately I’ve been experiencing the dreaded BSOD (any recognition from the computer nerds? Anyone? Hello?) of relationships: complacency. It’s something I never figured I would experience in a relationship because I always felt like I was such a sexual and sensual person, but… well, there you have it. I’m almost embarrassed to admit it. I’ve gotten complacent. Almost… lazy.
I’d hang my head in shame if it wouldn’t impede my vision of the screen. M and I have such an incredible relationship. She’s the person I had begun to give up on ever finding. She is the bacon to my eggs. So why? Why do I suddenly find it so hard to muster up the energy to do anything sexual anymore? And let’s not even talk about how the BDSM aspect of our relationship is doing. I haven’t pulled out my bondage ties or clamps in ages.
I’ve noticed I have a hard time finding balance in my life. When I started to become pretty active in the kink scene here, I stopped going to bellydance classes. Now that our social life in general has bloomed, my kink is slowly dying. I can’t seem to find that perfect spot on the tightrope to set my feet. I can’t seem to do a little bit of everything; no, I let just a couple different things completely overwhelm my life. Of course, it never helps that my job is one of those permanent things around which I have to balance all my other, more personally important priorities. But, I should be thankful to have a job at all in this economy.
Succinctly put, I know M wants sex more often. I know I feel less… well, human when there’s little to no physical intimacy in my life. It feels like a part of our relationship has died, which in a way it has, because I’ve let other priorities take over my life and exhaust me to the point where I can’t even gather the energy to hardly even think about sex, much less participate. M has also mentioned she misses the Top in me. I have admittedly been feeling more bottomy lately, but I’ve acted on neither of these urges.
So, I think it’s time to reprioritize. I’ve got a lot of good things going on in my life right now but that doesn’t mean that any one of them has to die in order for the others to flourish. I have remarkably good balance for someone who seems to trip over her own feet or run into doorways on a close-to-daily basis; it’s time to utilize that balance in other areas of my life!