How has BDSM enhanced your relationship?

Kinky Sex Link posts a writing prompt every Monday, and I follow them because I’m always looking for something good to write about. This past Monday’s prompt was:

“How has BDSM enhanced your relationship?”

This one resonated with me because it’s something that’s been in the back of my mind for a while. M’s and my relationship HAS gotten better not only since we discovered BDSM but also since we discovered that we were both switches and that I was not the hard-line, set-in-stone Dominant. To write about why I think this is, I feel I must first start with describing how our relationship might have been if we had not discovered BDSM.

It’s odd because I can’t imagine vanilla sex anymore. I can’t imagine me having vanilla sex and I can’t imagine anyone else having vanilla sex. I don’t know how anyone could prefer plain vanilla sex to sex with even a little bit of kink in it. (Of course, that could take me into a tangent about the exact description of kink, but I’ll save it for later.) That being said, M and I would still have had a relationship without kink and BDSM. Our relationship has a solid foundation even outside the realm of kink. We largely share the same interests in books, movies and music; our political and general views on life are very similar. Hell, we even share the same preference for breeds of dog!

Those things, and others I haven’t defined here (the things that should be in any relationship: trust, honesty, appreciation, humor) make a good relationship. They have made ours a good relationship. Getting into BDSM, though, has made this good relationship a great relationship. A superb relationship; a memorable, unforgettable, strong lifetime relationship. How is this?

Vulnerability.

I really think that’s what it is. The key to making our good relationship an amazing relationship is vulnerability. Otherwise we are both a couple of very proud, somewhat walled-off women who would not have been able to connect and give 100% to each other.

Even just talking about BDSM gives us an advantage. We’re both admitting an interest in something that is absolutely not mainstream, that is often frowned upon and persecuted. We’re opening ourselves up just a little, reaching out and saying, “Hey, I’m different,” and allowing ourselves to be either accepted or rejected. Obviously, we chose the former for each other.

And then there’s the physical aspect of BDSM. How much trust does it take, how much vulnerability does it open to allow someone to restrain you into helplessness and inflict pain upon you? To trust them to toe the limit and not break that bond of trust? To trust them to respect your safewords and not continue to push after you’ve asked to stop? All of this takes an enormous amount of trust, and in trusting we open ourselves up to vulnerability.

Then there’s the appreciation that goes along with that. What kind of an ethical person could not appreciate being trusted in such a manner? It’s an odd feeling of pride and humility mixed, that another person could turn themselves belly up and trust you not to eviscerate them.

Summarily, being into BDSM has forced M and I to break down our walls and be vulnerable to each other. We have both cried in front of each other. We have both talked about this vulnerability, and how best to not take advantage of it. BDSM requires such extensive communication that we have almost unwittingly gotten to know each other better – strengths, weaknesses, needs, desires. It’s a powerful thing. It is power, knowing that much about someone. It takes a great strength of will to not take advantage, to not use. Upholding that trust only builds more. It’s a not-so-vicious cycle.

Not to mention every relationship needs a little fun!

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