A conglomeration

Wow, okay, it’s September! A turning of the year, in this climate anyway. Things start cooling down, leaves on trees are fading, students are going back to school…

There’s a certain newness in the air that’s reflected in my own life. My new job that I start tomorrow, the new 365 Women’s Photo Challenge I’m undertaking, and just the simple fact that this blog is still really damn new, and has so many places to go. The anticipation, the sense of untold opportunities is almost overwhelming. Maybe this blog isn’t the only thing going places. Maybe I am too. It feels that way, right now at least.

On a somewhat kinkier note, CurvaceousDee turned me on to a photo contest held by Shay at The S Spot, and I wasn’t doing anything important last night so M and I entered. My entry is here, and this one is M’s. I particularly like M’s; mine didn’t turn out as well as I’d hoped. Win or lose, though, coming up with the ideas and executing them was a lot of fun!

A thought that has been rolling around in my brain lately (banging up against all the other thoughts) is that of titles, and labels. The more I read around – in blogs, on websites I come across – the more titles I am exposed to. Two good examples would be the blog of The Femmenist Fucktoy, and Sinclair Sexsmith’s Sugarbutch Chronicles. The discussion and exploration of these various titles and their deeper meanings is fascinating, but there again I find myself using the word “overwhelming,” because wow, that’s what it is! So many of the things that those two – and others – write about resonates with me on many levels, but at what point do I cap myself off? At what point do I say, “No more labels?” Mostly I identify as femme, but some days I feel butch! And the term “fagette” that ScarletLotus recently wrote about described me almost perfectly (well, minus the optional lesbian part). For a long while I identified as bisexual, but then I finally grasped the term pansexual and, what do you know, it fits, so now I’m that! “Thank you, I’ll have the Pansexual Combo with a large side of Femme, a small thing of Butch – lightly salted – annnnd hell, throw in a Fetish for dessert.” I have a list blog; I almost want to start a list of all the things that I could and do identify as just to keep them all straight! There are times I just want to throw my hands up in the air and say, “Dammit, I’m just ME! I’m the one standing on top of all these pigeonholes!” I just want to float along in the ocean of gender and sexual identification without washing up on any of its shores. I want to absorb it all.

Still, though, it’s fun to discover new facets of my identity because in discovering them, I am generally also discovering new people with whom I can – and sometimes do – make a connection. Dog knows I am desperately trying to make connections anywhere I can, since I live in a fairly conservative backwater where drag queens and trannybois aren’t exactly roaming the streets at large. Maybe one day I will be able to talk about these things face to face with somebody. Until then, the musings of bloggers more enlightened than I remain my only salvation.

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4 responses to “A conglomeration

  • sinclair

    Hey! I know what you mean about identities – personal/sexual/gender identities – feeling overwhelming. My two cents on the subject is yes, of <>course<> you’re “just you,” of course you’re MORE than the big pile of pigeonholes that you’re standing on. I always think that the label should conform to you, you should not conform to it. And that the labels should always be something that enhances you, not limits or confines you. That said: pansexual, fagette – sometimes labels totally just <>fit<> and allow us to be ourselves in ways that make us more who we are, not less, ya know? But there’s no pressure at all to take on labels, to be 100%-sure-for-certain that the labels you’re adopting are going to be Who You Are forever. Things change, you adapt and evolve. I guess all I’m saying is, take a breath with it all. :) Try things on, take them off again. It’s a game, it’s play. And I bet you’ll figure it out, eventually, if these are topics that continue to hold interest for you. You probably already know that these are some of my philosophies, but I just figured I’d throw out my little contribution to your explorations.

  • Amber

    @Sinclair: You’re totally right. I think I’m taking it all a little too seriously and letting myself drown in it. Thanks for your words of advice – it really helped. :)

  • Angel

    Way to GO Amber!Looks like MANY congrats on in order!Yay for the new blog!Yay for the new job!Yay for becoming a fellow KSL blogger as well!Yay for the 365 Women’s Photo Challenge! (What’s that about? I would love to hear more about it. :))I am loving your new blog – am having fun reading it all.This was great:“Thank you, I’ll have the Pansexual Combo with a large side of Femme, a small thing of Butch – lightly salted – annnnd hell, throw in a Fetish for dessert.”Oh how I can relate to that as a Switch into many different weird things…lolBy the way, I added your blog to my own tasty Blog list.Thanks for adding my Enigmatic Angel blog to your own blog roll. Lots of kinky celebratory hugs, Angel :)

  • Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek

    I keep on meaning to comment on this, and whenever I start to write it comes out very similar to what Sinclair has said, which makes sense because he is brilliant.I guess the way I look at labels is that they are helpful as a tool to describe one aspect of myself, which is why I also love adopting seemingly contradictory or overexplanatory ones like fagette femme drag queen, and thinking about adding boi to that as well. I’m all of those things, but I’m not just all of those things or just one of those things.One of my current favorite quotes about labels comes from (you can probably guess) <>The Leather Daddy and the Femme<>:“See, it’s all well and good to call yourself whatever. I answer to faggot and gay male and leatherman and all those names, but if answering to a name means I can’t do something I decide I want to do, fuck it. And if someone wants to give me shit for what I decide to do, it’s <>their<> problem… some rules exist just to prop up somebody’s prejudice, and they’re bullshit just like any other rule that’s meant to ensure conformity.”And, of course, there is oh so much more. But, what I’m trying to say is basically what Sinclair already mentions, a label should conform to you, not the other way around, and a label shouldn’t box you in it should free you so that you have a better idea of yourself but also so that you can figure out the way you think of yourself, or what you think of yourself as, and then be able to move within or beyond that.I hope this is at least in some way coherent, and not just a repeat of what Sinclair said (though, he’s so brilliant and we think so similarly sometimes that happens). Basically what I’m saying is that labels don’t have to be permanent nor do they have to inform who you are at any moment, just who you are at some moments.Though that brings me to an interesting idea, because I also think that I’m always all of my gender identities but they don’t all present themselves at the same time… hmm. I have a post coming up about labels which will probably touch on some of these same points, hopefully it will be more intelligent and less of a ramble than this is.Hope that helps in some way! Love and kisses!

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