A few different things

Because I know this can be a sensitive topic, I want to preface this by saying that I fully understand that transsexuals are not a fetish – any more than I am a fetish for my pansexuality, or a fetish because I am a bio-female who identifies as female.

Now that that’s out of the way… well, I’ve always found androgyny attractive. The first girl I was ever in a relationship with was bookishly, boyishly sexy. The first guy I slept with was rather effiminate – long hair, looked DAMN good in makeup. My first serious girlfriend was VERY butch – probably would have been FtM if not for the fact that she was quite literally penis-phobic. My GF/sub now is very tomboyish – short hair, masculine demeanor, wears men’s clothes, so on and so forth. She would probably be mistaken for a man on a regular basis if not for her very large bosom.

Lately though, I find myself being drawn more and more to those who identify as FtM. Maybe because they’re not as WHOA OUT THERE as drag queens? There is just something undeniably intriguing and attractive about a woman who isn’t quite a woman and isn’t quite a man. I think that fluidity is part of what attracts me.

This leads me to the line of thought pertaining to my own sexuality. I’ve got the girl bits and it never occurred to me to not identify as strictly female, even though I spent a childhood in boy’s clothes, being one of the boys and still wear men’s clothes on occasion, even though I love, love wearing feminine clothes as well. It occurs to me that if my sexuality is so fluid, why couldn’t my gender be as well? From what I understand, that’s what genderqueer is all about. Embracing both genders – or neither gender. Or all genders?

Sometimes I feel so conflicted within myself. I love my female body – to an extent. I love to switch my hips when I walk, I love my ass. But my boobs are another story. I’m not proud of my boobs. I would be happy if I were to have a double mastectomy. If I ever got breast cancer, the actual cancer part would scare and upset me – not the idea of possibly losing my breasts. I take no pride in my fertility – I’m certainly never going to take advantage of it!

BUT. I love playing with my long hair, I love playing with makeup, I love bellydancing, which certainly showcases the feminine form and abilities. (Even though men are welcome and adored in bellydance.) I love wearing and using a strap on. I loved it when I had short hair and am starting to get that craving for it agan.

I don’t know. In the end I have to go with what comes naturally – I’m not just going to try on different identifications like jackets. That’s an insult to those who do embrace those identities and take it seriously. And really, nobody says I can’t be and do all of these things and just call myself female. Nobody says that just because I call myself female doesn’t mean strict lines are drawn around the pink and no edges can be blurred into the blue. Huh. An interesting line of thought anyway.

*

On a completely different note, things go more or less well in terms of translating into a 24/7 couple. I say “more or less” because we do well when it’s just us – at home or in public. Whenever there’s somebody else around, though, my GF gets very uppity, almost to the point of trying to switch roles with me, which is absolutely NOT acceptable. Even after, she remains uppity for a while, like she’s gotten a taste of brattiness and likes it. I do NOT want a bratty sub. Cheeky, sure; smartass, to an extent, but NOT bratty. I’ve been trying to think of ways to essentially keep her in line around other people without compromising her public image as a dominant personality. (Yes, she’s one of those subs who appears very dominant to those not in the scene.) I love that she doesn’t let everyone in the world walk all over her; however, she makes the mistake of blurring the lines between me and “everyone in the world” when others are around. Usually it leaves me wanting to tie her down and beat her – and NOT in a pleasant way!

Speaking of which, I really need to invest in a painful cane or dragon tail whip – something that crosses her line between pleasure pain and PAIN pain.

Anyway, I’ll keep thinking on that one. Hopefully I’ll come up with something before this weekend, because we’re going down to CA to visit family. She’s okay being subby around my mother, because my mother’s in the scene as well, but she gets BAD around her family, because they don’t know. Hopefully I’ll come up with some ideas to remind her that she is still my submissive even when she is strong-willed and dominant around her family.
For the record, I’m more than willing to hear others’ ideas on how I can accomplish this. :)

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